Am I Not Plain? A List of Responses to Definitions

I could write a whole other post about why I'm writing this instead of doing work, but I want to write this, because there are good reasons I don't want to think about the rest of my life.

Plain:*

1. Not decorated or elaborate; simple or ordinary in character.
That my dears, depends on the day. But I would like to believe that femmes, when we claim that as an identity and not a descriptor are just as femme when they are traipsing through the woods with axes as when they are wearing heels, and dangling jewelry. I don't want there to be a contradiction between wanting someone to open my door for me (sometimes) and being the one wearing carhartts fixing the leaky sink. So decorations depend on the day, but I don't think simple or ordinary in character makes much sense.

2. Without a pattern; in only one color.
I am not this, and neither are femmes worldwide.

3. Bearing no indication as to source, contents, or affiliation.
Probably true. My femme-ininity is a mish-mash-genderberry-mosh-mess. I was raised by a hairy-legged woman who used her hippie cred and class aspirations to cast aspersions on makeup. I am, at base, a country girl, and a tomboy who is learning how to be a girl (more on the particular challenges of this to come). All these factors means that gender expression is a little bit up in the air, and so it is not so surprising that the gender itself doesn't bear clear markers.


4. Having no pretensions, not remarkable or special.
Remarkable and special, yes please. But can that be with pretension on the side?

5. Without title or status
Right, other than femme, and potentially lady, girl, etc., I don't want title or status. I want to be down in the ditches working on the work with everyone else. Which isn't to say that I don't like the occasional femme worship ;). It just isn't a title or status thing. It is a respect given where due thing. I hope.

6. Easy to perceive or understand; clear
I am not this, femme is not this. It is a complicated, messy, misunderstood thing. That is why Hannah and I get to have tea. That is why I'm writing this. I cannot perceive or understand myself in relation to femme, I am not clear on any of it. I don't know many people who are clear on it. So, no.

7. Clearly expressed, without the use of technical of abstruse terms
Well, here is something to aspire to, but seeing as 6 isn't true, I don't know if I'm equipped to go about describing this without the use of technical terms. I may have read too much high queer theory to be able to do that. Tainted forever by Butler and Foucault and caught red-handed in my po-mo linguistic gymnastics.

8. Not using concealment or deception, frank
When I first was called a plain femme by the online quiz, the first thing that sprang to mind was the idea of a "plainclothes femme (PF)" like a plainclothes policeman. Undercover in the gender war... Yeah, it has potential, especially because it allows the PF to be in disguise in both the straight and queer communities -- which I feel like I am. In straight spaces, I am read as straight, and in queer spaces my position is much more complicated, but I don't ever feel like I am not dissembling somehow. I would love to leave the stage sometime, but I'm not sure how. This, too, is a whole other post.

9. Not attractive.
See #2.


*I have no idea how to cite a widget, forgive me.

In Other News:

1. An online quiz just told me that I am a "plain femme" -- we'll deconstruct that another time, eh?

2.I had dinner with a wonderful new butch friend of mine, who blows my mind, and I hope will talk to me more about class, gender, race, and activism. I have so much to learn, and sometimes it is nice to hang out with folks who remind me of that.

3. I just had a conversation with my mother who honestly asked me why food would ever be stressful...STUNNED SILENCE...This from a woman who had her daughters, ages 14, 11, and 8 go around the dinner table and say how many grams of fat they'd had in a day. WTF? She has the most amazing selective memory.

Gender Trouble: An Open Letter

Dear Transguys:
I have a deal for you - let's trade! I'll give you some facial/body hair and you can give me some rack flesh*? I see it as a win-win.
Oh? That's not how it works? My mistake. I guess I'll just work on being a better feminist. Sorry to trouble you,
Love,
LaFemme

*I don't know how I feel about the term "rack flesh" but didn't want to offend the recipients of the letter with a girlier term. Now I just need to think of a supremely girly name for my mustache... yeah, nothing's springing to my mind, either.

Int'l Women's Day-Three Emotions on Being a Woman in Public Spaces

hate.
He is barking as I walk toward him. A man a few years older than me walking with his two young kids, and before him running for the train is a woman. She is running for the train like anyone would run for the train, the slide and shuffle of an adult dressed for work along the public tiles in the tunnels of downtown HarborCity. My body shakes before I speak, and he just stares at me, blank, and my body keeps shaking. The next morning, I am rushing down the stairs, we are like electrons in a wire, moving along, jostling. He is walking up the stairs and collides with a woman in front of me, as he slides his way along the railing toward me he says, "Fat fucking cunt". I look him in the eye and ask him loudly what he just said, he brushes past me, knocking my elbow.

love.
He is asleep. His finger between the pages of a book that has closed. There are fine wrinkles behind his eyes and the eyes move quickly behind thin eyelids, dreaming. He opens the door for me and takes me to lunch, it is a the shelter where he eats everyday and he signs me in as his guest, his knuckles are gnarled and his whole hand shakes as he lifts food to his mouth. He is telling me a story about how his old lady left him for Jesus, and how can an honest guy compete with that? It is raining and cold, I'm crossing the quad in not enough clothing, my shirt getting wet, he sees me and crosses grass to reach me and hands me his umbrella, walking away before I can argue, his shirt tented over the broad span of his shoulder blades. I keep the umbrella in my room for a whole day before taking it back to him, looking at the sleek dark folds of kindness.

fear.
I am coming out of the train and feel his body against me. I had paused, turned, and he, his dark gravely voice in my ear and his hands on my shoulders turned me around. I fill with panic, the moment is short, his deep voice only says "sorry" and his hands release my shoulders just as quickly. He didn't even spill my coffee that cools too quickly in the frigid winter air. Running, in the morning in the dark around the pond, I notice the signs that say that there have been coyote sightings and to call animal control if you see one. I don't, but rounding the corner where there are no lights, I see his form moving, walking slowly, hips low, legs swinging, a huge dark jacket, and a hood pulled low over his face. I square my shoulders and run a little faster, pulling knees higher, stretching legs longer, muscles pulling on bones to reach a few more inches. I reach my hand into the pocket of my windbreaker and lace my keys between my fingers. I know how to throw a punch, and the keys would dig sharp into his cheek and the soft tissue of an eye. This is how I would collect DNA evidence. He ambles past me, and I feel foolish.

Beg, Borrow, and Steal to Go See This If You are in NYC

Home: Queer Soup will present a one night performance of "Home". "Home" delves into a family whose faith is rocked with the death-bed revelation that the minister’s grandfather was born biologically female. A talk back is scheduled to follow with the cast and members of Queer Soup. Presented in collaboration with the Center Voices and the Gender Identity Project.

When: Friday, March 9th at 8 PM

Where: The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, & Transgender Community Center, 208 West 13th Street, New York, NY 10011 (Click here for their link for the event!)

Cost/Tix: $10

For more information: queersoup.net

Reservation line: 212-620-7310

Also: A little birdie told me that they are touring it to educational institutions, group homes for queer youth, and communities of faith in the New England area. Are you affiliated with one of these things? Talk to them about coming to do a show. I make no promises, but they might say yes, and they would be happy to hear from y'all.

Gender Identity?

Oh?
I never knew, thank you so much, darling intahnet for revealing my true self.
Love,
C.

You Date Like a Man

According to studies on dating, you date like a man. You date casually and frequently, getting serious with select people over time. Physical attraction and chemistry is very important to you. And if there's nothing more than a physical connection, that's okay with you (at least for a while). You are definitely looking for love, but you are in no rush to find it. You figure love will eventually come your way, and you're not going to live like a monk while you're waiting!

Do You Date Like a Man or a Woman?

Queer OpenMic, Redux

QOM was amazing tonight, it was the 7th year anniversary and so there were many people who came back, the whole night was like a train on a track gathering speed with each word like another piston thrusting perfectly, and the feature was amazing and I bought hir book.

Speaking of features, to be clear, I'm featuring on Thursday, April 12th. I'm considering giving further details here, but it would mean outing myself and I have mixed feelings.

As to the bio, I haven't started it, it still terrifies me. Jack, you were helpful, but now I have a set of goals and goals mean only one thing... impending doom and failure ;). Further, one of the main barriers to me being a writer, at all, like typing this right now, is thinking that I am being dreadfully self-indulgent and maybe a little catty. Both traits I abhor in myself (and others, but mainly, myself). Write a bio, believing that you have a bio to write is self-indulgence defined.

As to what I'll read -- also complicated. My mother is thinking about attending. I will need to inform her that I identify as femme, am a flirt, and talk about sex, a lot. Other people who have never seen me in this community may also be there. It should be interesting.

What it Means to be a Lesbian... Sort of

True (googlechat) conversation between TP and myself: TP: I'm wearing my boots.
me: You own boots?
TP: Doc Martens. me: Oh. Mmm.
TP: I've still got lesbian feet, baby.