A List of 5

1. I started out the fall with an addiction to national politics and the election, and have ended up with an addiction to Rachel Maddow and the Colbert Report. This means that I now feel like I need to stream at least two TV shows a day, which is at least one more than strictly necessary.

2. I am in the midst of grad school applications. It makes me wish that I had more time to read and write, instead of write about reading and writing.

3. For those who are keeping romantic tabs, I'm in a relationship again. SB is wonderful and ornery. In fact, given only two adjectives for him, those might be ones I would choose.

4. My roommates and I have yet to turn on the heat for the winter, our incentive is that we can turn on the heat as soon as we finish shrinkwrapping our windows. The upshot is that my room is not drafty, but the heat isn't on.

5. I have a cold. I'm drinking tea. Lots of tea. Breathe Deep tea that is supposed to, well, help me breathe.


P.S. I found my template.
P.P.S. Still trying to figure out what this space is for me. I'll get back to you.

In Other News:

1. An online quiz just told me that I am a "plain femme" -- we'll deconstruct that another time, eh?

2.I had dinner with a wonderful new butch friend of mine, who blows my mind, and I hope will talk to me more about class, gender, race, and activism. I have so much to learn, and sometimes it is nice to hang out with folks who remind me of that.

3. I just had a conversation with my mother who honestly asked me why food would ever be stressful...STUNNED SILENCE...This from a woman who had her daughters, ages 14, 11, and 8 go around the dinner table and say how many grams of fat they'd had in a day. WTF? She has the most amazing selective memory.

This Post Will Self-Destruct By the End of the Day

**POOF**

You Know You Make A Lot of Sourdough When...

You are amazed by how quickly your yeasted whole wheat bread rises and fills the bowl and pushes the towel up and you barely catch it and punch it down before it makes a big mess in your clean clean kitchen.

I have been very productive this morning - scrubbed floor, swept whole apartment, reorganized pantry - mainly because I've been procrastinating going through my writing and pulling things to read to some queer youth I'm hanging out with tonight. I'm very excited, but choosing pieces to read is always a little harrowing. Hopefully the deep slush piles and ice puddles won't deter the plan.

Space - I've Finally Made Some for Myself

So, I'm sick. Fever, cough, sore throat, runny nose, whiney disposition - these are my symptoms. My roomies are going out dancing tonight and I'm home, perhaps to write, maybe do some calculus (did I mention that I'm putting myself through this again?), I will undoubtedly drink tea, and maybe even draw myself a hot bath.

I had big plans for this weekend. First I was supposed to go to California, and then the tickets were too expensive, then I was supposed to be spending the weekend at IdyllicAncestralHome with my family, but I decided that that would be stressful. Then Roomie and I were going to go for to the cottage on the coast, but I decided that I needed this weekend to be actually in my life in Boston. This was a really good decision, even before I kissed a genderqueer with a dodgy immune system last weekend. (Or maybe, in all fairness, it is my immune system that is the dodgy one.)

In any case, I'm home for the weekend. This does mean that I have gotten around to a few things that I've been meaning to do for months. The most notable of which is that I have cleaned my desk. Really, deep down, cleaned it. Critically reimagined its organizing structures and cleaned the damn thing. I am not posting a before picture because the dust and clutter alone would send some of my readers into anaphylactic shock, since some of my readers keep an usual number of swiffers in their lives. I don't know what has been holding me back from this, options include:

1. At some point I often become an ineffective human being because the blues pull me down too far.
2. I don't think I deserve the things I could make for myself.
3. Because of A or B or both I don't prioritize properly and make the time -- see above discussion on where I'm spending this weekend.
   

I've been realizing lately that I hold myself back from a lot of things that I really want. There is a fine line between holding myself accountable for these things and beating myself up further, which would be counterproductive and lead to situation 2. In any case, the after picture is below. It looks a little odd because there is no computer there, but I'm using the fancy laptop to take the picture. Just to the left of the picture is the one window into my quirky garret bedroom, for context. I have posts brewing in my head about being a girl, and a nostalgic. But I'm hoping that I will be more willing to sit at my desk in the coming weeks, since I hope to preserve some portion of this open space.

Dreaming

I've been having vivid potent dreams this week. I think because of the amount of caffeine, the small amounts of sleep and the general level of dreaming that I've been doing in my life. Period. I was asked this week if I would prefer to have small dreams... I think it is just very hard for me to give up the idea of having attainable goals.

I've been dreaming all morning, and people didn't used to dream this way, with google as a main tool for image finding, and spreadsheets to help us budget out dreams. It's a funny way to spend the day.
___
P.S.
It really bothers me that Blogger can't fix its grammer such that there can be "1 comment" on a post instead of "1 comments".

This is me, except that it is all metaphorical, because I'm afraid of heights.
I'm taking a big, and I think good, risk right now, and I move each moment from falling to flying and back again. I am sorry to be cryptic, but it's hard to explain the jump while your falling.

And one final thought:
"I'm a good jumper, he said. But I'm not so good at landing. Maybe you should stay closer to the ground then, I said, and he said, No. The ground was the whole problem in the first place."
-Brian Andreas