Good (Almost) Man: An Entry Against Heteronormativity

Some Background: I work with HIV-positive people, my partner, TP, identifies as genderqueer. All the names of the men who I had this conversation with have been changed to protect their anonymity. There is so much I could say about heteronormativity, but sometimes it is the way that it reveals itself to me in these small interactions that are the most fertile ground for analysis (and humor).
Also, the official Blog Against Heteronormativity Day is tomorrow, but I have to post this today, because I'm going to an internet free zone.


-Why you smilin'?
-She got a man. That's the only a reason a girl would smile like that.
I knew these men, their viral loads; I had talked to them about their lives, entered them into spreadsheets, and advocated on their behalf. Charles is the oldest, gay, black, quiet and studious -- positive for at least twenty years. He reads everything with a magnifying glass. Jimmy and Lincoln are black and gay too, but younger and very christian. Their faith, that I don't really understand, pulls them through crisis after crisis, making them build a vision for their lives. Mac is the only straight one in the bunch, with a wicked sense of humor and years of street living under his belt. So much divides us -- age, race, class, sero-status -- but right now they are teasing me like one of their own.
-Could be smiling about something else, says Charles gathering his papers
-Naw, she got a man, I know that smile
-That true? You got a man?
-Almost
I'm smiling because I'm happy. Happy to be working with these people, happy that the sun is shining and the crocuses are in bloom. Feeling playful, thinking about my partner, packing ten states away, looking for an endocrinologist, rejecting a diagnosis, rejecting both man and woman, I turn this thing that is puzzle and struggle into a game with one word.
-Almost
-What? You almost got him?
-Does he know he's gonna be your man?
-Is tonight the magic night?
Mac winks at me, then turns serious
-He a good man? He treat you right?
-You get him, girl!
Jimmy is ready to be my cheerleader.
-Every lady needs a good man
-Ain't that the truth, says Lincoln wryly
-Not every woman
-Every woman i've known
-Is tonight the special night?
-The way she's laughing now, she's got two men
I am laughing, hard, stuck in a conversation I never anticipated, and only know how to laugh at, hard.
-Uh-uh, look at her turn pink. You got a man, girl?
-He treat you right?
They seem really concerned, lincoln and mac in particular, so i answer
-Yeah, he treats me well

I'm still laughing as I pick up my papers and walk back to my cubicle and I can still hear them talking about how every woman needs a good man. I'm shaking my head and thinking about my man, my almost man. Later I'm giving Charles his travel reimbursement
-Do you really have a man? He raises an eyebrow, no, one whole eye over his glasses at me, asking.
-No, I don't need a man.
-That's right, girl. More trouble than they're worth. And he walks out, I think for a moment whether he's ever had a good man. That every lady deserves.

Me, I still almost got a man. A good almost man. Most days I even deserve it. Lincoln, Jimmy, and Charles deserve good men too, And I wonder at the puzzle of them talking about my man to me, asking me if he treats me right. What do they mean when they say that? What images are they holding in their heads. I'm guessing that my partner would meet their criteria, without identifying as a man, or undergoing a a physical exam, just by the way ze smiles at me from across the room. What struggles have they gone through to work their desires into this picture, so that they desire and deserve good men. And mac does he struggle to be a good man for the women in his life? Was that what he was trying to do all those years on the street? It is all puzzle and struggle, this mess of gender and desire and expectation -- but for now, with the sun shining and the crocuses in bloom, it's almost a game and I almost got me a man.