The Rollercoaster: Part I

i hate rollercoasters. the last time i was on one i was ten and it was just a basic dragon that went around an oval slightly sloping track, and i was absolutely terrified. in general i like to be in control of my body and my surroundings. for a long time this was my reasoning for not doing drugs or drinking; it is still my main reason for being leery of drugs -- both prescribed and recreational.

that said, i'm strapping myself in for a rollercoaster. i can feel my stomach tighten the way it does before i dive off a diving board, my mind runs over the track ahead of the car -- i'm checking it for loose bolts; i want to push it faster ahead so the whole thing will be over; and i want to hold it back and make it stop, yell to the attendant and unstrap myself and get the hell out. i'm terrified and dreadfully excited. and i could almost throw up. it's a good thing i haven't eaten any fried dough recently.

in approximately six weeks my partner, TP, will starting injecting testosterone into hir body. the goal, to the extent that ze has a goal, is to achieve a more androgynous body, but not to "fully transition" to a male body. our relationship is long distance, but thankfully we will be together for a month this summer, and that month will be month two on T. i'm very grateful that i will be around for some of these beginning stages. i can think about all the good things that this will do for hir self-conception and the way that the world interacts with hir, and i can think of the things about it that absolutely terrify me. and both make me feel like i'm sitting in a rollercoaster car on which i don't control the levers.

there will be more of this in coming months, but for right now, i'm just sitting here. holding the things i find comforting like so many talismans -- including my love for hir and trust in the decisions that ze makes.