The post formerly known as The Rollercoaster, Part II.
I wonder how many consecutive blog posts I could name after random remembered Indigo Girls lyrics.
Tonight after my penultimate day of work (!!) I met two good friends from ELAC, W and B for drinks. W is maybe the most straightforward person I've ever known, blunt, really is the word. Many find her abrasive, but we jive in this pleasant way, and I haven't seen her for about a year so we had a lot to catch up on. Including TP and hir decision to go on T. W was no less blunt talking about this than she is talking about anything else. It threw me off guard.
It probably wouldn't have thrown me quite so much if I hadn't decided today what my least favorite thing in the world is. I think my least favorite thing (or certainly high up on the list) is when someone I love asks me if something is going to be okay, or expresses a fear that something will go badly, and I can't tell them that everything will be fine because I'm struggling with the same fears and insecurities. It sucks. I want to be able to tell TP that everything will be fine, but I just can't. I'm not that good a liar. While I believe that everything will work out, that T will not be the deal breaker that W imagines it might be, I can't promise that, and so I say nothing.
W is grilling me about T, and I want to present to this (somewhat concerned) friend* of mine that I'm grounded and realize both the immensity of this and my faith that it'll be okay, and the (important) fact that overall the relationship is good for me. Period. This much representing can really tire a girl out. I hate that too. The fact that I'm constantly representing this relationship and teaching people about it. Part of it is the long distance, part of it is the queerness. So I try to be honest to present the good with the bad, I fairly accurately describe myself as 25% scared shitless and 75% excited.
However the more she asks me these blunt questions the more I feel poked. The more I feel like I'm 75% scared. This song, quoted above is so sad, about leaving, and only being able to leave, and being unsure that the "fire will burn on [her] return". I always thought of that fire as the homefire until tonight. Homefire is a fairly neutral domestic thing, but then I realized that it could just as easily be the fire and passion between two people.
In five days I'm seeing TP for the first time in about two months, and all the usual fears we both have are amplified by all the changes going on in both our lives, but T does loom large. I know that things will go much more smoothly if I can manage to be 75% excited, and not be scared shitless. I have faith that if we make it through the first 24 hours, we'll make it through an amazing summer. I just can't be paralyzed with fear and doubt, I need to be 75% excited so that TP knows that nothing approaching a dealbreaker has occured due to this crazy chemical. And all this representation would be easier if I could quash** my own fears.
OH! Unrelated. The drink I had with B and W was amazingly good. Bellini Martini. Vodka, champagne, peach nectar. Booze of the gods, folks, booze of the gods.
*W has every right to grill me about my relationships. She had to sit through two years of me almost deciding to leave my abusive girlfriend in college before I finally did, and she didn't even say "I told you so" once. So bonus points for W.
**Excellent word. In the Thursday New York Times crossword, which I finished this very evening with Roommate L. and friend M.
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